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Thread: the observer

  1. #1

    Default the observer

    please comment on my wonderful lyricism. thankyou



    we are observers, the unknown, spectators of society, watching as the people go scrambling round maniaclly, the seperation between us and them, being that we are able to understand the way that life amends, we see the evil eyes and see right through the masks,past, into your very soul and knowing the thoughts the calibrate the way you endure tasks, we use youre own mythology and lies to make you see the truth through all the smokey mirrior's and strange disguises. our wise ways have paved roads, starting in the streets or as some fools call the ghetto, we new that true facts were trying to be hidden from our eyes, using strange street candy to keep us dumb and gullible to lies, and soon they even set these poor sad bastards against each other, shooting those who once were the very same damn people we called brothers, we became a savage race of little lab rats that they could cage and name and call when they wanted to experiment, they rob us blind and ruin our lives then blame it on our own, and the only way this endless hell will stop is if we hold our own, together as a people, the ones who were supposed to own this land, but now are just the pawns that are played through lies deception greed and an election

  2. #2
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    Default

    this is awesome. i read this out loud with kind've an eminem feel to it and it worked fairly well - granted..i'm not a rapper, and i'm not sure the direction you wanted this to go. but i liked it

  3. #3

    Default

    thank you, thats pretty much what i wanted.

  4. #4
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    Default

    I think it would probably flow better and be easier to read if you took more of a linear (I think that's the word I'm lookin for) approach to it.

    Example... when you said

    "we are observers, the unknown, spectators of society, watching as the people go scrambling round maniaclly, the seperation between us and them, being that we are able to understand the way that life amends, we see the evil eyes and see right through the masks,past, into your very soul and knowing the thoughts the calibrate the way you endure tasks, we use youre own mythology and lies to make you see the truth through all the smokey mirrior's and strange disguises "

    you could have put

    "We are observers / the unknown spectators of society
    Watching as the people go scrambling round maniaclly
    The seperation between us and them
    Being that we are able to understand the way that life amends
    We see the evil eyes / and see right through the masks / pasts / into your very soul
    And knowing the thoughts that calibrate the way you endure tasks
    We use you're own mythology and lies to make you the truth through all of the smokey mirror's and strange disguises"


    I like to use the "/"s in my songs to kinda chop up the bars into nice segments. I consider bars to be lines in a verse, not entire verses (there's some debate about that in the lyricism world I think).

  5. #5

    Default

    alright, thank you, ill try to think on that..

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